Every so often I get an email from Amanda asking about submitting a blog post. I have essentially ignored the emails and God’s prompting. I've chosen to listen to the ‘voices’ from the past. They say things like ‘what do you have to say? It’s not worth it’ and ‘Your grammar is terrible-remember how you struggled through school with math and writing papers?’ Today I’m giving the finger to the ‘voices.’ My hope is that as I step out in faith to write, it will draw me closer to Jesus as I share life with others and His glory through my story.
This past month has been hard and freeing for me. One of our kids has an injury that is taking some time to heal. We had just come from the doctor’s office where she was told she couldn't go to recess yet. She was going on her 6th week of sitting in the office at school during recess and was DONE. It was hard. She cried the whole way home and was doing some venting that felt directed at me. I tried to talk through some ideas of what she could do in the office. She wanted none of my ideas. As we pulled in the driveway and parked, I turned around and said, “I’m so sorry you can’t go to recess yet. I know it is so hard. It is not my fault. Can you please stop taking it out on me?” Ugh. Not the best mothering moment for me. She just needed me to listen and be near in that moment; I was pushing her away.
God has been gently showing me that I do that a lot. I push Him and people away by isolating myself and giving them the stiff arm. Deep down it is rooted in pride and selfishness. My pride has looked like ‘being on my phone’ when I could be engaging with my face to face family and friends. It's looked like complaining, criticizing, giving advice about things not being done right or rather the way I would do them, being silently angry and stewing in my discontentment. It’s nasty and I’m DONE. I don’t want it anymore. I've been taking out my pain and bitterness on the people closest to me.
I spent some time weeping with Jesus this past week. I’m so glad God is kind and gracious in our turning back to Him. I feel His nearness, forgiveness and love for me. My heart is changing. I can love and support our daughter and see how He is working in her life and come alongside her and listen and just be with her in what God is weaving and unfolding in her story. She doesn't need my advice all the time. She just wants my love, to be heard, and held near in her pain. It’s not all about me. It’s humbling and the freedom and nearness of Jesus and relationship with her is so worth it.
My name is Jenni. I’m a wife and a mom of 5. I’ve had the joy and privilege of watching 2 of our kids grow up and the struggle and pain of waiting to meet our other 3 children when I also meet Jesus face to face. I’m a professional photographer. I drink chai, wear Burt’s Bees tinted lip gloss, and often leave cups all over the house with just a little bit of beverage left in them. I like to think of it as my personal glass charm, and I’m pretty sure my husband is not a fan.