Thursday, June 11, 2015

Finding the shore...

Shame and embarrassment have ruled my life since I was a young girl. It’s fairly normal that as both a human and a female, shame is always in the back of my mind, but I worry that I have too much shame, too much embarrassment. Constant thoughts of my failures, short-comings and being a lost hope whirl around my brain from the time I get up in the morning until I lay down again at night. Some of the shame is brought on by my inevitable human nature, some is brought on by other peoples actions that I had no control over, some comes out of no where, stemming from nothing I can point to. I’ve learned to suppress the thoughts, to hide them behind nice clothes, funny jokes and a witty personality. But at the end of the day, my shame overshadows any good that could’ve happened that day, and I’m reminded by my inner demons that I’m still a failure, still unworthy, still lost beyond hope.

I have depression and currently, nothing is working to fix it. The people closest to me do their best to love me well, but I still have a deep heartache that words don’t seem to accurately describe. I feel like I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean, waves crashing all around, wind terrorizing my sails and my boat isn’t sturdy enough to handle the storm. It feels like a matter of time before the storm gets the best of me and I’m lost at sea. No boat, no paddle, no way home.

I’m at a loss of what to do and I have no clue what God is doing or where He’s at. I know that God promises to use all of our struggles for His glory, but I am in such a deep pit that I can’t even fathom this being turned into something good and worthwhile. My depression is swallowing me whole and I feel like God is letting it happen.

However, I think God is teaching me a very valuable lesson. All this time, I thought I was “off track” for struggling. “I shouldn’t be feeling this way because I love Jesus,” I'd tell myself. But that’s just it, Jesus came for the struggle. He came for those times when we feel lost at sea without a paddle. He came for the times when we are so tired from treading water that allowing the storm to eat you alive seems attractive. We are not “off track” because we struggle; turning to Him in our times of struggle is what makes us “on track”. Of course He has the power to pull us out of our pits when we’ve hit rock bottom, but He is also so gracious about sitting with us in our pits and acknowledging that pain that we are in. He never said that we won't have struggles, in fact, He ensures us that we will, but He does promise to tread water with us, and give us the strength to find shore.

Ana Methuselah has been attending Flatirons for the last 11 years.  She enjoys long walks to the fridge and donuts whenever possible, is terrified of cows and will be attending the University of Hawaii in the fall. 

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