I don’t like the way I look.
I’ve felt that way for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt if I could somehow achieve what I had ranked as “perfection” (perfect body, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect wardrobe) then maybe I’d look at myself in the mirror one day and approve. But honestly, it was beyond exhausting to even try. I went through phases of obsessively working out and counting every piece of food that went in my mouth. I've spent an embarrassing amount of money over the years on beauty products of various kinds and clothes that would hopefully make me look thinner than the girl I stared at in the mirror in disappointment.
And honestly, it all started with a boy. A boy I didn't even know.
I was in the 4th grade at summer camp. All the girls were finding "boyfriends" for the week, but being a girl with 3 brothers, I was a little slow to finding boys to be anything other than annoying and gross. I had yet to care what I looked like, feel the need to be anything but me, and want anything more than to spend summer camp doing all the outdoor activities and becoming friends with a bunch of girls. Regardless, unbeknownst to me, one of the girls from my cabin took it upon herself to find me a "boyfriend". She grabbed me as I was finishing dinner one night and with such enthusiasm said, "Come with me!" I had no clue what she was up to, and before I knew it, she was standing me in front of a boy and said, "This is Trish. She can be your girlfriend." Looking me square in the eyes with a look of disgust on his face, he said, "She's fat and ugly. I would never go out with a girl like her."
It was the first time I realized I wasn't beautiful.
Without even knowing it, that lie took root and grew a tree called "insecurity". As the years continued on, harsh words were spoken that watered that tree, and even though so many more kind words were spoken, it's as if the roots were incompatible and rather than it shrinking the lies, it just deflected the truth and kept growing. I couldn't accept kind words because I had owned the lies to be my truth, so in return, the truth felt like lies.
A little over a year ago I was finally able to clearly see what had been growing right in front of my eyes. Not only that, but God also showed me that nothing that I could control would change it. Nothing that anyone else could say would change it. Only God could take that tree, cut it down, pull out the roots, and plant something beautiful in its place. This weekend those new roots took hold as I threw out the rotting carcass of a tree and embraced new growth and beauty in its place. So now it's finally time to say...
We've had a long run. Too long. I let you have too much control in my life and not enough spine to stand up to you, but it's time for that change. You see, I'm a Queen, Lover, Magi and Warrior full of Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength and in that woman, there is no longer room for you to live. You do not define me, you do not lead me, you do not have any say in who I am or what I do. You do not get to hold me back from the promises over my life. I refuse to settle to your definition of my worth. I was born into a kingdom, into a life that you don't belong. I was born for beauty, love, intelligence and tenacity. I was born for greatness. I was created for a specific purpose. I am a child of the King.
So this is my farewell to you. You have finally been replaced by someone you disdain. A woman full of confidence in not only who she is on the inside, but the beautiful masterpiece the King fashioned on the outside. For I am "clothed with strength and dignity, and I laugh without fear of the future," because I know the One that leads the way. (Prov. 31:25)
Goodbye insecurity, I hope to never see you again.
A woman called Beautiful.
Trish loves life, her Savior and desires to live for Him to the fullest everyday. Her favorite color is plaid and she collect fonts and shoes. She believes that life is a story we're writing each day and hopes hers always points back to Him.