Nothing in marriage is
really fair. The idea that things are divided equally 50/50 never plays out
that way because of, you know, real life. Obviously neither you nor your
husband should do the lion’s share of all the housework, the yard work, the
work-work, the childcare, etc. You should try to be fair. But chances are that
one of you will be better at certain things—say cooking, or paying the bills in
an accurate and timely manner. Other chances are that during certain seasons of
life, these responsibilities may shift--for example, during maternity leave, or
if one of you travels. Since my husband travels some I have to at least know
how to do the things that are primarily his responsibility.
The point with the
chores is that No. 1 you should communicate about who will do what. This is a
common point of tension during the first year of marriage when husband and wife
are establishing their roles. Most men and women bring their ideas of who
should do what from the example they saw in their own homes—whether healthy or
unhealthy.
I saw my own mother do
all the cooking, all the housework, pay all the bills, manage all the repairs
(She mainly used a telephone to call someone to fix things.), and all the
whatever. So when I came into my own marriage I decided the most fair thing to
do would be—nothing. Yep, nothing.
Despite the fact that I got off work earlier than my
husband at that point, when he came home he would find me camped out on the
futon watching daytime talk shows. That didn’t work out so well for more than a
week or so. But he did have to walk through an emotional mine field to figure
out what in the world was wrong with me and why I didn’t want to do anything.
Probably young couples
are much better prepared for marriage now. They go through pre-marital classes
and counseling and whatever—mainly because the divorce rate has them scared
s***less. Whatever the motivation, having these conversations about roles is a
good idea. Because your roles continue to shift over the course of your
marriage depending on life stages, jobs, kids, etc.
One other thing about
roles—whatever you decide between the two of you about divvying up the work
load and responsibilities, you have do your part selflessly. Complaining about
what you’ve agreed upon is worse than not doing it. If you are the cook—even if
it’s just three times a week or whatever your arrangement—those three meals
better be made with love and your best effort (unless you had a crappy day at
work and you just want to heat up a frozen dinner). If you are the eater—even
if that’s not every day—those meals the other person makes better be eaten with
love and your most positive reception (even if the toast is burnt and the fish
is sour).
This brings us to the
emotional selflessness that marriage requires. What you want cannot come first
all the time. You should focus on fulfilling his desires and ideally he’ll be
focusing on fulfilling your desires. We have been working on this for the
duration of our marriage, and once in a while we get it right.
Marriage is not about
demanding your way, or negotiating your way. Our friend, psychologist Val
Farmer says that kind of stuff makes your partner feel unloved. By the same
token, Farmer says if too many important needs are neglected over time, the
unloved spouse feels used or taken advantage of. Let’s go back to the way
you’re eating the meal he made—with love. Expressing gratitude for whatever the
other person is doing helps. Even if they do whatever they do badly—still
gratitude.
This selflessness begins
to work in a circle. You give selflessly into the marriage and it builds trust
that his needs will be met. So he gives selflessly into the marriage and builds
trust that your needs will be met.
The opposite of this
cycle is a lack of consideration and respect for the other person. At its
worst, this can turn into demanding and controlling, even manipulation or abuse
in order to get your way.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
says that’s not love. “Love is patient and kind; … love is not arrogant or
rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” So
that’s your goal in marriage—don’t be rude. And also, give your husband a lot
of grace. He is doing the same for you.
I once wrecked both of
our cars at the same time. For real. I ran into one car with the other one. My
husband saw the whole thing and just stood there in shock. He never yelled at
me or got angry or anything like that. I mean it was pretty obvious that I had
made a miscalculation. Also, he’s really good at grace. And that’s the image I
keep in my mind to inspire me to be really good at giving him grace, too.
Rebecca Barnes is the
director of curriculum for Summit Kids Ministry at Flatirons. She’s been
married to Ron Barnes almost 25 years and has three daughters. Her oldest
daughter will be getting married this year, so she’s been thinking a lot about
marriage lately.
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