In addition to the
problems of conflict, hostility, and blame, three other barriers can get in
between you and him and mess up your efforts to communicate. According to
psychologist Val Farmer, communication falls apart in a marriage with too much
criticism, defensiveness, or belligerent verbal attacks.
Criticism –
Just the other day I was
standing in a kitchen making potato salad with a woman who has been married
nearly 50 years to a man she characterized as “never lifting a finger to help”.
Then she tasked someone to yell at him to come help her, which he did. Then she
went on to criticize his huge family and how much work it was to cook for all
of them. “And he wonders why we never have them all over. Maybe if he would
help …”
We all know couples who
adopt a critical tone with one another. Sometimes it just goes one direction.
Seems more culturally acceptable for a wife to be critical with her husband.
Either way, I really wouldn’t want to spend 50 years being criticized. I don’t
like 50 seconds of it—or even five. For sure my husband would not thrive in
that environment. His second highest love language is Words of Affirmation.
(That’s from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.) That means words
build him up and make him feel loved. It also means that critical words break
him down and make him feel unloved. Thirdly, this language for him means that
he builds me up with words, too. He is my encourager—even when my own self-talk
is critical—especially then.
I Thessalonians 5 calls
for believers in Jesus to encourage one another. So wives and husbands who
share this faith should remember that, “Jesus died for us so that we can live
together with him. … So comfort each other and give each other strength.”
Saying encouraging words
to my husband does not come naturally to me. I have to think about it and be
intentional with it. However, I cannot imagine living in a marriage that didn’t
buoy me up as I floated along in the cesspool of life; that is to say—I can’t
imagine my life without the encouragement my husband brings me. So I’m happy to
try to do the same for him. Trying is the point with encouragement, too. I
mean, if you’re a Debbie Downer, or you’re critical with him, chances are
you’re not that encouraging. So that’s a starting point—cut out the criticism.
If he’s the critical one, a good talk about what that does to you could go a
long way to changing the tone of your marriage.
Defensiveness –
It’s scary to be wrong.
Especially when you don’t think much of yourself to begin with, criticism on
anything feels like the end of you. So we curl up in a fetal position and
emotionally withdraw, or we fight—that’s defensiveness.
We make our problem the
other person’s problem. The easiest solution is to take the call. When he calls
you out on something, simply acknowledging the problem and apologizing takes
all the wind out of the conflict. In fact, it makes the person who brought it
up soften quickly because they see that you are sorry.
I lost my husband’s keys
while he was traveling out of the country. When he came home he asked me where
his keys were. It was a fair question. But I felt defensive, because I felt
guilty and it’s scary to be wrong. However, instead of saying that he should
have a better key chain, or he should be more organized, or whatever other
excuse, I just said I was so sorry because I had misplaced them but that I
hoped they would turn up. (They did.)
I get more defensive
with innocent questions that, in my mind, question my housekeeping skills. An
innocent ask like: “Are we out of dish soap?” Can send me into defensive
overdrive. I will lecture on the basics of how to use dish soap and what not to
use it for, etc. I realize the questioner does not usually intend to criticize.
They just need some soap. If I can realize this a second before I launch into
full-scale defense I can respond more appropriately. Turns out, not everything
is about me. That realization is quite a life changer in a lot of ways.
Belligerent Verbal
Attacks –
Stop. If you’re a loud
mouth, or an argumentative person, or you married one, you may not be creating
the most peaceful marriage on the planet. It’s hard to communicate when one
person is dominating the conversation and when that conversation is actually an
angry argument.
You don’t always have to
be right. Not everything should make you want to punch a wall or cry. Take a
breath. Before you launch into your attack, just breathe. Consider whether it’s
really worth fighting over. Is there another way to communicate and problem
solve? Give yourself a time out if you’re working on temper issues.
Throwing things,
breaking things, swearing and yelling don’t even really help harness your
anger. Figuring out how to calm down helps much more. Figuring out why you’re
so angry ultimately helps, too, since probably the broken sink, or the time
getting away from someone, the parking ticket, etc., is not the core problem.
A great piece of advice
on living with someone who is loud and angry is to respond softly. Proverbs
15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
In other words, your response can turn the volume down and de-escalate the
furor. Likewise if you argue back, you stir up more trouble. How difficult is
it to give a gentle response to a belligerent verbal attack? It’s much more
difficult than fighting back with your own words.
Words are important.
They fuel our conflict, but they also make our communication possible. And
communication without all these other hurdles becomes much more about making
sure you’ve synced your calendars; you both talk through your day as needed,
and your feelings as they come up; you discuss your dreams and goals when you
think of them, and you say whatever else you can to one another so you stay
close.
Rebecca
Barnes is the director of curriculum for Summit Kids Ministry at Flatirons.
She’s been married to Ron Barnes almost 25 years
and has three daughters. Her oldest daughter will be getting married this year,
so she’s been thinking a lot about marriage lately.
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